Do you ever feel like there’s an invisible wall between you and the people around you? While something inside you wants to scream, “I’m not OK,” but instead you smile and say, “I’m fine”?
I hear this all the time from people living with chronic anxiety. It’s something I’ve experienced myself – a lot. And for many of us, the hardest part isn’t even the anxiety—it’s the silence that surrounds it.
The Invisible Weight of Anxiety
Anxiety doesn’t always look like what people expect. It can look like overachieving, busyness, perfectionism, or being the one who has it “all together.” But inside, there’s a constant hum of unease. When anxiety is chronic, it becomes a lens through which you see everything.
And when you’re in a heightened state—like during a an anxious spiral—your brain and body are not designed to communicate clearly. The fight-or-flight response hijacks your ability to speak calmly or logically. You might freeze, feel dissociated, or even forget the words you meant to say. Your nervous system isn’t concerned with connection in that moment. It just wants to survive.
I think we have all experienced difficulty with verbal expression during moments of emotional stress. You’re too scared and embarrassed. Think about how hard it is to say anything, let alone name emotions accurately. That means it’s not just “in your head” — your biology is literally working against your ability to talk about what’s going on.
Why It Feels So Risky to Speak Up
There’s another layer, too. It takes courage to be vulnerable. And for many of us, vulnerability feels like weakness. Maybe we learned early on that emotions weren’t welcome. Or that we had to hide our struggles to be loved or accepted.
There’s a deep-seated fear in many of us that if we open up about our anxiety, we’ll be a burden, or worse, misunderstood. We worry people will tell us to “just relax,” or offer solutions when what we really need is empathy. We fear judgment, dismissal, or that we’ll be seen as broken. But this silence can be corrosive. It feeds the belief that something is wrong with us, that we’re the only ones who feel this way.
Why Vulnerability Is a Key to Relief
Here’s the thing: vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s a bridge. A bridge to understanding, connection, and healing. Dr. Brené Brown, who has spent decades studying shame and vulnerability, says: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”
Can you remember the last time you shared your emotions openly with someone you trust? The last time I did, I felt an immediate reduction in my anxiety, my nervous system and my mind calmed down and it lasted the rest of the day. Expressing emotions in safe relationships reduces activity in the amygdala, the brain’s fear center, and activates areas involved in self-control and social connection, making us feel heard and safe.
Simply put: speaking your truth calms your nervous system.
But Why Is It Still So Hard?
Well, we’ve clearly established that it’s not the time to share how you are feeling while you are in the midst of a panic attack, right? Your system is overwhelmed. Your body is focused on protecting you, not connecting with others. And that’s OK. It’s important to remember that this doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human.
But you can talk about your anxiety outside the moments of crisis, right? It’s still hard, though, isn’t it? I didn’t tell anyone, even my friends and family, for over a decade because it was an intense source of shame. I didn’t want to look weak (perhaps growing up in hockey and football culture affected my ability to share my feelings!). I also didn’t have people around me that I felt comfortable sharing my pain with.
However, if you can identify someone in your life that you feel safe with, give it a try. Remember that you can tell your story on your terms, when you feel a little more grounded and clear headed. And, over time, talking about these deeper feeling will help build a sense of safety in your relationships, giving you more confidence to share with others. It also teaches your body that you can find relief through connection with others.
How to Start Opening Up
If you’ve been silent for a long time, speaking up can feel terrifying. Here are five gentle ways to begin:
- Name it to yourself first.
Express yourself in a journal. Don’t be worried about what you say – just fill a page with how you feel. You could also say it out loud when you’re alone. Just practice putting what you feel into words. - Choose someone safe.
Think of a person in your life who has shown you empathy in the past, that you feel safe with. You don’t need to tell everyone—just start with one. - Use a script.
It can help to have something prepared, something like: “This is hard to say, but I want to share something with you. I’ve been struggling with anxiety. I don’t need you to fix it, I just want you to know.” - Try to do it regularly.
Don’t wait for the next panic attack to share how you are feeling. Doing it regularly will more quickly dissolve the resistance and emotional barriers. - Join a supportive space.
There may be a support group or an online community that you could join. I know that this sounds scary, but you will be meeting people who are going through something similar. That’s a great way to develop a supportive friendship, and being surrounded by people who understand can be life-changing.
Getting To A Place That Makes It Easier to Share
For me, one of the greatest obstacles to being vulnerable has been the everpresent nature of my anxiety, which made it feel like I rarely had the mental clarity or energy to create an opportunity to share with someone else. I was almost always exhausted. However, once I was able to find ways to relieve my anxiety, even temporarily, it gave me windows where I felt good enough to try it.
If you would like to get a sense of why anxiety can feel so hard to heal, check out my article ‘Why Chronic Anxiety Is So Hard to Heal – And What We Can Do About It‘. If you’re looking for practical, effective ways to find relief, check out my articles ‘What If the Thing That Helps Is the One that Scares You the Most?‘, ‘The Unexpected Key to Releasing Anxiety: How High-Ventilation Breathing Changed My Life‘ and my Free Resources and Online Programs.
What This Means for You
If you’ve been carrying your anxiety alone, I want you to know: You were never meant to walk through this in silence. Sharing your experience doesn’t make you weaker—it makes you stronger. It builds resilience. It brings others closer. And it helps your nervous system learn that you are safe, supported, and not alone.
Finding relief from anxiety is about more than fixing symptoms. It’s about creating a life that feels safe to live in. Speaking your truth—bit by bit—is part of that healing. You don’t have to tell everyone. You just have to stop hiding from yourself.
Many thanks for writing this piece, David. Apart from the anxiety derived from trauma as a survivor of child abuse, which I’ve learned to see as a self-discovery process that doesn’t feel as threatening as it used to, I’ve developed some social anxiety in the last few years. It doesn’t feel overwhelming or paralyzing, but it does feel like a grey cloud over my shoulders that I never know if and when will start pouring rain. I’ll be joining your retreat in Mexico in November after avoiding yoga in-person sessions all together since the pandemic, and I must say I’m taking the step because you are the only instructor I know that is so candid about the challenges we might face in this regard, and I feel safe and happy to have finally found a good spot for me to practice in company. Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing, Loba. Yes, it’s a life long process of self-discover, isn’t it? At times I feel like I’m learning in leaps and bounds and at other times I feel stagnant. I’m happy to hear that you’re sensitive and mindful about your anxiety, and learning to work with it in a healthy way. And – most importantly – I’m very happy to hear that you will be joining me at my retreat in November! I look forward to meeting you in person.
Thanks David. I appreciate what you wrote above. It is important to me to understand that I did not have a safe relationship in my family of origin in which to express emotions. Thus I never really felt heard or safe. Mostly I felt alone in my emotions. Though my childhood dogs did make me feel safe and comforted, and I gravitate towards dogs every day for my little dose of safe emotional regulation. It took me a lifetime to learn about social connection, and that I could share with others. A 12-step program was also helpful to my making social connections in a safe environment.
Thank you, Gary. That’s exactly how I felt growing up – like I was not being heard and I didn’t feel safe, which I dealt with by shutting down my emotions. I’m hoping, for you, that you’re able to accept and feel them openly now. It’s not easy after so many years of ‘coping’, so be patient and forgive yourself when it feels like it’s getting out of control.